After an amazing night and morning with Ray I was hesitant to go through with my date with Tom. Afterall I had a cold and could easily use my scratchy voice to get out of it. But a small part of my mind tugged at the fact that Ray was no where near committed to me and I to him. I still didn’t know for certain which one I wanted to be with and which one to end it with.

So when Tom called to confirm what time and if I liked gumbo and garlic, I decided that I needed to give him one more chance. I threw on a pair of jeans and headed over with a bottle of wine.

He invited me in and I played with Bud, his dog while he finished cooking. He had started a fire in the living room and brought out a glass of wine to me. He then brought out the gumbo and we dined on the floor by the fire. The gumbo was extra spicy and I managed to eat most of it and hoped that the extra garlic would kill my cold.

He lightly stroked my leg and I realized that I really did like him and when he leaned over for a kiss, I accepted it. We moved into his bedroom and onto his bed. He went down and it was good but something wasn’t working for me. We continued on and it still wasn’t right and I had to fake it. Oh my, I’ve never faked it before and I realized why. Ray. My body and my mind were on the same page and I didn’t want to be with Tom anymore.

He was restless and worked on a computer project while I slept. I was exhausted from the cold, staying up the night before, and from a lot of sex that day. When I woke up at 3am, Tom had climbed into bed and cuddled up with me. Being a little addicted to sex at this point, we were kissing in no time and again my body and my mind fought me. This time with vertigo and I had to stop Tom. The room started spinning and all I could do was lie still and wait.

Because I was dizzy I stayed the night since I was in no condition to drive home and Tom tried to dote on me. I told him that I just needed some sleep and so we did. In the morning I was still woozy from the vertigo but I needed to get out.

He offered some toast and orange juice and I gladly accepted. While we ate we talked and his ramblings grew more random and I couldn’t keep up with his odd subjects. He touched on his family and mentioned that he wanted a family of his own one day. That was the moment when I decided that the two of us could not continue this. Okay, that and having to fake it earlier in the night.  We had talked at least twice about the fact that I do not want to have children. I know I’m odd, being a woman in her thirties whose biological clock doesn’t tick. But it doesn’t and I know because it ticked once fifteen years earlier and hasn’t worked since.

He walked me to my car and with one foot in the car and one on the street he kept talking. And talking. And talking. Finally he let me leave and I drove home.

Back to my sanctuary, my home, my little apartment with brightly colored walls and my two cats.  And I thought of Ray.